I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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