I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
