Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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