Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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