I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize