You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
