I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
