I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
