I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
