I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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