grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
This is classic penis vs brain.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
