I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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