She is in my trunk
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
i think my cat just said my name.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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