Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Randomize
