i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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