Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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