Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I believe in your delicious
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Randomize
