Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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