You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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