You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
