we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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