DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I'm always down for nudity.
Randomize
