I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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