it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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