I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
