is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
