I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
