the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
