So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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