We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
