I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
