Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
