Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
