bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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