well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
