So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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