Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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