I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
