two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
