When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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