the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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