just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
sex in a hospital.. check
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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