That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
