I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
