my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
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