what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
