bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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