Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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