I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
