I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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