I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
