At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
