can we get nightvision for the apartment?
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
