i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
