if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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